Susan W. Reynolds

Room for Change: In Attitude and Stature

Previous chapters of Room For Change have addressed redesigning areas of your home and thereby creating room to change your outlook or perspective. It has also been suggested that simply moving in a different daily pattern can create a more optimistic outlook or help with your grief feelings if only for a fleeting time.

What has not been addressed is how you feel in such a space or in other physical settings that you may venture to, be it a family gathering, church, a restaurant or your office. In grief, we often do not know from minute to minute how we will feel, but how we inwardly feel about ourselves can magnify a positive spin on what occurs outwardly.

You have rearranged your furnishings, your accents, your lighting. How can you relate that to YOU?

Your furnishings. Imagine your clothes. Are they outdated? Do they speak to an older vision of you? Are they threadbare in spots or piled? Have you lost or gained weight in your grief process and nothing seems to fit? If yes, an opportunity awaits. Get back to basics with some simple, classic or fun clothes. Buy a new pair of slacks that actually fit and can be a standard from which you start a fresh wardrobe. Purchase a blazer or jacket of a texture you love and throw it over a basic skirt or pant. Buy new underwear! During my high school years on test days I tried to wear something new; a vest, a sweater, a necklace. Did it make me feel fresh and new? It did. Did it make my testing skills better, I don't know. I do know that attitude helps. Confidence to get through trials can increase along with it.

Your accents. If you have a few basic clothes, think about a bright new purse or shoes to liven your step. Accessories are like paint color on walls in your room. They can be the least expensive to change and can frame the attitude of what they adorn. Bring some life or sparkle with beads which reflect light. For guys, maybe a new wallet or new socks or sneakers can start the process of stepping out into your newly formed world with more confidence and comfort. A new haircut or hairstyle can enhance your stride as well. A new you, maybe change the hair color. Never did it before? Maybe now is the time. The worse thing that can happen is that you change it back again!

Your lighting. Your smile, your posture, your walk. This reminds me of a "mother talk" but body language can work both ways. When you smile self-producing body chemicals ooze into your blood stream. These are the good feeling ones. This can be as simple as a small smile as you observe a child at the bus stop or smiling at a stranger going the opposite way down the aisle in a grocery store. Standing tall engages core muscles which allows greater circulation to major organs and just plain feels better on all your joints than slouching. Your mind in grief could be fighting many battles and your body often goes along for the ride. Support your body with good posture, moderate exercise and balanced nutrition. Enlisting a friend to join you can be helpful too. We all need motivation from time to time!

Give yourself permission to make small changes in redesigning you. Just as your home, small changes in you can open other doors and possibilities for positive change in your life. Grief may not "feel good" but being good to yourself is a great investment. Treat yourself as your best friend with TLC and love. You deserve it.

Room for Change: The Nose Knows

Just as visual memories in grief continue to reflect onto our present daily lives, the sense of smell permeates our home and memories too. We can become so familiar with the aroma of our soap in the shower stall or the fragrance of our loved one's cologne that we no longer smell it. How often have you remembered a smell from your grandmother's house when you were little that wafted past you unexpectedly years later, only to be taken back there within seconds?

Aromas are powerful triggers for memories as well as helpful "friends". Scents may be a welcome addition to your home during this transition through grief. Aromas may be as simple as burning a scented candle or plugging in a diffuser into your electrical wall socket or even adding cinnamon to the top of coffee in the morning. It may be opening the windows to the scent of the afternoon breeze and the smell of freshly cut grass or even your sheets out drying on a sunny day. Aromas can be created by placing cedar chips in your closet of winter clothes or placing a pine needle sachet in your sweater drawer. All of these may evoke subtle cognitive changes, mostly pleasurable, yet unique to each of us. There is no exact formula in what is pleasurable from one person to another.

Some people believe that certain aromas trigger specific physical responses or mental responses. The term "aromatherapy" gives a scientific ring to this idea. There are few studies to support such claims. One, however, in the International Journal of Neuroscience, compared use of aromatherapy in assessing EEG activity, alertness and mood. Two groups were given three minutes of aromatherapy. The lavender group showed increased beta power, suggesting increased drowsiness and less depressed mode, while reporting feeling more relaxed.The rosemary group, showed decreased alpha and beta power, suggesting more alertness. They were also faster, but not more accurate at completing math computations after the aromatherapy session. (Citation: International Journal of Neuroscience, Volume 96, Issue 3&4, December 1998, pp. 217-224. Authors' affiliations: University of Miami School of Medicine, Duke University Medical School and Aroma Therapy Associates.)

What does that mean for you? Probably not much unless you want to reap the benefits of better calculation time! It may however help you to reflect upon what aromas make you feel more enlivened. What aromas seems to stimulate your desire to eat? What aromas remind you of a peaceful place where your mind may want to wander? What aromas just smell good to you? What scents bring you pleasure?

Adding new fragrances to our favorite ones will not help us to forget our well forged memories but they can help us to form new pleasant ones to add to our collection. Memories of our loved ones are packaged with care. Adding additional pleasant aromas is the perfect topping in helping us move forward through grief.

Room for Change: One Step at a Time Through Grief

I started writing "Room for Change" with the inspiration from a group of unique and beautiful people attending a bereavement group sponsored by High Peaks Hospice. Their stories of perseverance and creativity in dealing with this new territory inspired me to create this blog. My intention behind this blog is: Creating change in your home by re-arranging items and thereby changing outlook, thereby reviving yourself and your home.

Change accompanying grief may be the last thing you want to do. Perhaps you did not want it and you may not have asked for it, but change is here. Your home with all its memories, its textures, its quirkiness and its aromas may seem like the only essence you have left of your loved one. Navigating through your home may feel daunting. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What is the hardest part of being in the house?
• When is the hardest time?
• What brings me comfort? Anything at all?
• Where do I tend to spend most of my time when I am home?
• Why there? Does it feel secure? Does it feel warm? Is it a place I always land?
• Is this comfortable place a new place recently created or a place I have always retreated?

Often in daily life we tend to get ahead of ourselves with the "to do" list or "should" list or "what if" list that may accompany our decisions. In and through grief these lists often magnify and may appear never to shrink. Remember your uniqueness, your innate creativity and your ultimate need to traverse this new uncharted time the way it feels best for you. Revive yourself and replace your "have to" lists with "want to" lists.

Previous blogs on "Room and Self Revival" have addressed the bedroom, the bathroom, the front door, color, and lighting. Small changes to these spaces can assist moving through grief. What areas of your home can use a tweaking to help you take an additional step in moving forward and in healing? Please let me know so they can be covered.

There are people out there to help you with this transition through grief. Blessings to you in each unique step.

Room for Change: On The Road Again

Change your outlook. Change your perspective. Change your location. All three can create unbridled opportunities for you.

During my first "solo" Christmas a friend presented me with an overnight bag decorated with dogs in bright red. Would I have picked that out myself? Probably not. Did I use it? Still do, but now it holds my hip scarves when I travel to dance class. (Did I belly dance before my husband died? Not.)

My friend suggested it as my new overnight bag. I am suggesting the idea of a "get up and go" bag for you. In addition a list of things to tuck into it is suggested. Let's call it the "Sunrise Satchel". This satchel and spontaneity will keep you afloat. Place it in your car (or closet) and you will always be ready.

Suggested Contents for Your Satchel

• Water bottle and tea bags. You can always get some hot water or put your tea bags in your water bottle and place it in the sun, for sun tea.
• A journal, magazine and local map.
• A change of clothes, PJ's, and toothbrush.
• A flashlight.
• A twenty-dollar bill.
• A small directory of important phone numbers.
• A small appointment book.
• A small bag of nuts and/or dried fruit.

This satchel is not only for overnights. The bag helps when you may just need a respite. It is also great for any road emergency or an impromptu afternoon in the park. With the basics wrapped in your satchel, you are on the road again.

Go pick out that sachel. The one that is out of the ordinary and extraordinary just like you! Have fun and safe travels.

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© 2009 by Susan W. Reynolds

Susan's syndicated content is used with permission by Growth House, Inc.

Room for Change: Clearing Clutter, Opening Possibilities

My procrastination in the writing about clutter held me captive for days. As I reflected on this procrastination I considered several things and the greatest of these is that I have not been an expert in clutter control. My downsizing and purging of items in my life has not been easy. I must admit it is always easier for me to do clutter control for others and with others. With the death of my spouse, my daughters moving away and my own transition to a smaller abode, I am becoming more confident in my abilities, but even more confident in the profound effects that controlling clutter can create for those in grief.

In grief, de-cluttering offers room for growth in your physical setting and in your mind. Items attract our attention in ways both great and small. Too much clutter can make it difficult to bring something new into our environment or even too difficult to find something cherished already existing in it.

In grief our minds as well as our environments can be cluttered with things, with thoughts, with decisions to make that we may have not been prepared to make. In de-cluttering or redesigning our physical environment, one's goal is to put back items that support not hinder. Perhaps the mind cluttering and activities we perform could also use a bit of redesigning.

Clutter affects different people in different ways. Clutter can:

• Keep you in the past
• Confuse you
• Be unhealthy physically and even a fire hazard
• Decrease financial resources available to you: insurance, storage lockers, maintenance and cleaning
• Keep you ashamed: limiting access to your home of friends and family
• Keep you fatigued: just thinking about the clutter can "tire" you.

According to Karen Kingston, author of several books dealing with clutter control, clutter can be divided into four categories.

1. Things you do not use or love
2. Things that are untidy or disorganized
3. Too many things in too small a space
4. Anything unfinished

The time of transition in your life is also a great time to reap the benefits of purging or clearing house of the items above. This is also a task that friends or professionals can assist you with completing. There is no hurry to do it all at once but little tasks like cleaning out your "junk" drawer one day will offer you a sense of accomplishment and create some order in your life.

The first thing to do is to assess an area to tackle, be it the junk drawer, the front closet or even your coffee table or book shelf. Second is to set up a simple system. Four piles or boxes are a good start. One pile is for donation or recycling or selling. Selling could be done through garage sale, Ebay or Craig's List. This is a prime opportunity to enlist your friends' help. The second pile is for trash. The third pile is to save. The fourth pile can be items that will be going back to the drawer, closet or shelving. If you do want to save it, label it with a listing of general contents and the date packed. My preference is a clear bin that can easily be accessed if I need something. If I do not go and seek something within a year in that bin, chances are that I do not need it. Of course important tax papers or receipts are an exception. Limit keepsake items to a minimum. If they are keepsakes for someone else, maybe you can box them up and give them as gifts now, freeing some space for new things in your life.

To reiterate, clutter tends to keep you in the past, keeps you tired, confuses you, makes you ashamed to have people to your home, keeps things on hold, entails extra time and energy to clean and is a health and fire hazard.

There is always the opportunity if you stow something away for a while you may not miss it. There is also the opportunity to bring it back out and stow something else in its place and really enjoy the novelty of this object in your surroundings again. Things are always changing and providing yourself with a change by de-cluttering creates such space. This space can create wealth and space for others.

Learn to lighten the load. Professional Organizers and Redesigners are excellent resources to help you jump start the process. Remember the task can be done is small steps. One drawer at a time or one cupboard at a time can be enough. What truly supports you? The things? The items? The stuff? Or is it the people around you that support you and what happens within your space? Open it up, lighten in up and ask for help if needed. You will be surprised what such a space will attract! A smile in the least.

Room for Change: Photos, Photos Everywhere

In life memories abound, in grief even more may surface. You may find you as you move from room to room that every surface contains mementos and especially photos of times past and your loved one. As one moves from room to room it may be important to have a blank canvas or neutral spots where you are not over-stimulated visually. In grief one may need some short "time outs" for mini recesses of the mind.

• Less is More.How often does a single rose bring simple delight over the overstuffed bouquet? How often does the simple waft of cinnamon over the heavy spiced meal bring a warm feeling to your senses? It is said that less is more. This can be especially true with photos that settle about the house. Often a single photo is more poignant than half a dozen that clutter a bookshelf. You can always rotate photos from place to place too. Change can help rebirth, forward motion, and progress.
• Mesh Memories.Maybe a memory wall with a dozen photos grouped together would have greater impact and visual interest than the same amount shewn about the house. The photos could all have a cohesive theme with all black and white photos, or all black frames or even all taken during a certain season of the year. Do what feels right for you. This could be a great project for a friend or family member to creatively share their talents with you as well.

Simplifying your surroundings can create space for creative remembrance and open other space for fresh beginnings. These beginnings may sweeten future memories and be added to your wall in time.

Happy building!

Room for Change:Meditative Motion In Grief

Some people transition through the changes that grief presents them with daily routine. The rhythm of the routine helps to keep their momentum moving forward in this time of adaptation to many different events and activities in their lives. Some people take greater moments in this time of grief to be quiet, still and reflective. They may find personal introspection the insight they need to move forward. In our individual manner of traversing this new road all ways and rhythms are good, fine and timely.  In our home environment simple additions to rooms or windows can assist in participating in the rhythm of life either actively, passively or both.

• Get closer to nature. Set a comfortable chair next to the window and watch the birds' flight to an outside bird feeder or birdbath. The sweeping flights and their effortless dance can be soothing.
• Let the windows sparkle. A crystal, separately morning sun into rainbows, will be an easy way to cast color and movement on your walls. Other sun catchers of an object or inspiration are also beautiful and require no maintenance!
• Wind at work. I have placed a group of butterflies dangling on a fishing line in front of my window and above the heat or cooling duct. When the air starts to move, so do they in small rhythmic patterns of their own. When the windows are open they twist and turn to nature's own pattern.
• Water within. Fish tanks or water fountains in the home are always ways to bring movement and a rhythmic sense to the moment. Fish have been considered lucky to many cultures and their movement meditative. They can require little care and bring a feeling of contentment and peace while watching. The water fountain, placed either inside or outside the home, creates a soothing sound without a continual drone. Each splish and splash is unique unto the other.
• Warm the hearth and heart. A fire, whether "faux" or wood burning, can be mesmerizing and soothing as well. There are some very inexpensive freestanding fireplaces or wood stoves that provide the aesthetics of a real fire and also cast heat into the room on demand.  The flames with their unique patterns and lightness can also help to quiet our thoughts for a few seconds or minutes, bringing comfort visually or physically.
• Your soothing touch.  You may have other ways to bring meditative motion into your home or outside of it.  It may be seasonal or may be daily.  My hammock in the backyard, which may cradle me for only minutes on an occasional afternoon is meditative in its movement and requires nothing of me, but to rest.

In grief there may seem that one has too much time thinking of what is. Consider using your home environment for some meditative time and let it do the work so that you can enjoy its efforts.

Room for Change: Your Grand Entrance Through Grief

In grief sometimes people go into hiding and avoid social contact, while others have family and friends through the threshold constantly. Sprucing up the front door can say "yes world, come on in" or it can say "I'm needing private time now."

Darkness cannot exist in the presence of light. Physical light can "lighten" our spirits and energy. In grief there may be even more reasons to consider the sources of light you have surrounding you.

How can you let the light shine in your space to help you move forward?

• Slide aside. Is it possible for you to change out the heavy drapes or curtains on your windows and replace them with sheers or an airy pleated shade that can still provide insulation for your windows? Would you consider moving the sheers to the side in the morning to let more sunlight shine through and bring more sights of nature in? Simply removing the screens from windows where they are not needed can brighten your room.
• Reflecting beauty. Nothing is easier than a mirror to double the pleasure of something beautiful or bright. Mirrors are inexpensive items to enhance the feeling of space as well as the feeling of lightness. Use mirrors to reflect something beautiful like the outdoors, a chandelier or your face upon entry into the home. Mirrors are effective in moving energy as well according to the study of feng shui. Moreover, mirrors just feel good. Just keep them clean!
• Shine on through. Glass table tops on coffee tables or side tables will also reflect interior lighting that you may have close by or light from outside. Glass also creates a feeling of greater space. Add to a tabletop serving dishes of crystal or colored glass. Grab a recycled jar and fill it with marbles, stones or sand. Add a votive candle to it and another source of brightness can fill your room. Using the same idea with coffee beans in the kitchen is practical and easy as well.  When the candle warms up, so do the beans!
• Triangle pose. The tripod is a steady and firm foundation.  When lighting your room think of the triangle as well. Try to incorporate at least three sources of light in your room. These sources could be floor lamps, table top lamps, overhead lighting, accent lamps or low voltage ambient lighting. Using a floor lamp with a full spectrum bulb is an extra bonus as you can get the health benefits of sunshine while indoors. Placing the sources into a "triangle" in the room helps to eliminate unwanted dark areas of the room.
• Great timing. Consider timers for many of the lights you use regularly. In the winter it is especially comforting to have the way lit ahead of time. Using energy saving bulbs is helpful as well.
• Bright ideas. If others are asking how they may help consider the following. Ask them to wash a few of your windows inside and out, especially the ones you use the most. Suggest to them some of your favorite scented candles and maybe they could purchase you one or two. The newer soy candles on the market are a healthy alternative to your space.  If you like the idea of candles but are concerned with the flame, suggest to them the battery powered candles that flicker and cast a warm glow.

Let that light shine!

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© 2009 by Susan W. Reynolds

Susan's syndicated content is used with permission by Growth House, Inc.

Room for Change: Sleep or Slumber?

While traveling the walk of grief, the days and nights frequently meld into one.

At night it is hard to sleep, during the day it is hard to focus.  A good night's sleep is at a premium.  Allowing small changes to occur in your bedroom may help you to achieve the slumber that is paramount to your health.  Refreshing your physical space can help to transition your sleep time to restorative slumber.

The bedroom, often have served as a full service care center for many days, may linger with memories that keep one from moving forward.

What changes can you make to your bedroom to keep you moving forward?

• Take a look at your bed. Is it possible to place it in a different position within your bedroom? Can you put it on an angle? Can you change out the headboard to another one in your home? Could you imagine downsizing your bed from a King to a Queen? Maybe the mattress is ready for an upgrade. Remember your mattress is one of those items you use every day. Make certain it gives you the support you need for the rest you need. This may be the perfect time to sleep on something new.
• Buy yourself a new set of sheets. You may want to switch to some flannel sheets to keep you warmer. You may consider a bright pattern or your favorite color on a new set. Try switching out the bedspread to a comforter. If you have lost weight and are feeling colder at night a down comforter cuddles and cradles you may be in order. A silly stuffed animal or your own pet may be another welcome addition to the bed.
• Set the stage for sleep. A simple vase or glass jar with a single fresh flower and a battery operated candle next to your bed along with an inspirational book can be helpful to settle in. It is comforting to gaze at something beautiful and awake to the same.
• Let the light in. Heavy curtains do not let the light in. Maybe sheers could replace them. Seeing nature and light is powerful in healing your body and mind. A birdfeeder placed outside your window allows one to glimpse the simplest of pleasures and motion.
• Follow the fragrance. Lavender essential oil in a diffuser , lavender scented candles or dried lavender bedside can sweetly assists slumber.
• Put your worries down. Place a notepad and pencil bedside for those nightime inspirations or worries and cast them aside while you sleep.

Sweet Dreams! And remember that tomorrow is a new day.

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© 2009 by Susan W. Reynolds

Susan's syndicated content is used with permission by Growth House, Inc.

Room for Change: Reflections on the Bathroom Mirror

Having experienced grief with the loss of my spouse at age 49 years old, I happened upon small changes that moved me forward. Not knowing what changes were worth the effort was exhausting, all I knew was that change was here. Pursuing redesign as a career, which involved relocation of objects, furniture and color consulting, helped me to change my outlook and find hope in change.

Each day we rise, often before the sun itself, and the first place we frequent is the bathroom. It is surely one of the most personal and private spaces in our home. We look at ourselves in the mirror, reflecting upon our physical image as well as our reflections for the upcoming day. If we have cared for our loved one at home, the bathroom may house remnants of caretaking along with many personal items of our loved one.

What changes might one do to brighten this room?

• Remove the toiletries, medical supplies and/or assistive devices of your loved one.
• Donate any unused medication to an organization such as "Doctors Without Borders" or a local hospice organization. Pharmacies will readily dispose of medication for you and it is safer for the environment than putting it down the drain.
• Many churches or charities are grateful for donations of assistive devices and will come to collect them. If it is difficult for you to do, ask a friend. Friends are always looking for a "job" that is truly needed and appreciated.
• Bandages, IV supplies, etc. placed into ziplock bags can also be dropped off to nursing homes, or community action organizations. It can be comforting to know someone else is going to benefit from your donation.
• Place a small flower or plant by your sink and mirror. Seeing their growth and natural beauty is uplifting as you pass by or brush your teeth.
• Add a new and comforting fragrance to your bathroom to pleasantly greet you.
• A silly picture of you and your loved one taped to the mirror may help you find a smile and bring gratitude for all that was and is!
• A new set of towels in your favorite color is a great morning greeting or splurge on a new soft luxurious towel. It need to be only one.
• Last but not least, shine the mirror to see the beauty in you!

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© 2009 by Susan W. Reynolds

Susan's syndicated content is used with permission by Growth House, Inc.