Today the news was that more teens and young adults are completing suicide. The numbers are from a few years ago, around the time of the black box warning on the SSRIs. It was the first spike in numbers after many years of decline. What they are forgetting to talk about is changing one's world while changing one's body chemistry. It's about listening, watching, being witness whatever is.
I am writing about this here because I see a parallel with teens and grief. A lot of kids and teens get labeled things because professionals don't take the time to look beyond the behaviors before giving medication.
Irritability? Lack of concentration? Lost in thought? Mood swings? Ask 5 people and you'll get 7 different diagnosis. Some will say ADHD, some will say this is a "bad" kid, some will think bipolar. How about abuse? How about lack of home life? HOW ABOUT GRIEF?
It's been my experience and that of my colleagues that professionals working with kids and teens, or young adults don't know what grief looks like at this stage of life. Parents don't tell school that there has been a death or illness. No one asks the family what has been changing...
Two years ago, I saw a little boy that the very young teacher complained about and yelled at every time I visited. I have a sinking feeling, he was used to that kind of behavior at home and at school. But I listened and tried to stay present when we played games, when he drew pictures, when he told stories. Mom was gone. Dad in prison. He was living with his dad's girlfriend and he didn't know that 1. that was dad's girlfriend and 2. that she was pregnant with his little brother or sister. What he did know is that his grandmother died. He knew that a bunch of adults lived in his house who he wasn't related to and that this lady with the baby got shoved around a lot and was pushed into the street one night before the police came. And he, only in kindergarten, was deemed a bad kid and that label will probably follow him for a long time.
I tried to explain to the teacher what was going on, that grief alone could explain some of his "problems" but she was 20 something and dead set on getting the school district psychiatrist to get him diagnosed and on meds. No one looked at the web of losses that this little boy had endured... mom, dad, grandma, not knowing whom he lived with, not knowing when the police would show up.
We need to be more proactive when it comes to working with teens, kids, and young adults. We need to do not only standardized assessments but we need to do something more, listen when they talk, be present when they don't. This little one had no problems telling me his story as he jumped around, eating about three bites of his lunch, and wanting to play with everything in the social workers office. I had 3 kids, all in kindergarten, and had to see them during their lunch and recess. What kid would wouldn't be able to sit still when he was being "punished" by seeing some stranger and losing lunch and recess. Yet he was talking a mile and minute, trying to get his story out every week.
We need to listen, to put narratives together, hear what they are saying, and listen for the clues. They can tell us more about what we need to know than grabbing for the DSM..... Sometimes, think grief, at least losses ...... you might be surprised that some family therapy, some education, some caring might be more powerful than a little pill.